I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
