I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
