it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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