hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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