when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
