so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
