I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
