I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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