The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
