I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
