AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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