I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
