I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
