Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
