420 ftw
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
