I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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