Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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