My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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