the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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