this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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