I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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