I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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