Plan B is the new Plan A
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
