She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize