My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Alive.
So much puke
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
