i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
