he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
