I'm gonna have a badass scar
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
