i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
