I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You don't make any sense
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