ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
