i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
