On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i now understand why vodka
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
