Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
