What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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