Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
