How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
