He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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