Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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