paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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