I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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