Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
