So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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