found the other keg... it's in the tree
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
