another moral hangover. fuck.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
