Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
