come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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