i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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