Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish i was in the wii world.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
