So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
where are my eyebrows?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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