i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
