I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Shame is for Republicans.
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