just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
