Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
