i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
