I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
