i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
